When Trolls Meet Dursleys
by KnightOfKeys
Summary: Three Homestuck trolls randomly land on Privet Drive. Petunia reluctantly takes them in. I refuse to spoil any of this.
1. Chapter 1

When Trolls meet Dursleys.

FUCK. HOW THE FUCK EVEN DOES THIS SORT OF THING HAPPEN? I WAS TROLLING THAT FUCKASS OF A FRIEND JOHN, AND I SUDDENLY END UP HERE. WHERE IS HERE, ANYWAY? WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS TEREZI DOING HERE? AND ERIDAN? I MEAN, NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT TEREZI, BUT ERIDAN?! AND WHAT DOES THAT SIGN SAY? PRIVET DRIVE? WHAT KIND OF PIECE OF SHIT NAME IS THAT?

"Wwhat are wwe doing on this vvery disturbingly wweird planet?"

"HELL IF I KNOW, FUCKASS."

"1 SM3LL BL4CK L1COR1SH. H3H3H3H3. 1 TH1NK 1T'S COM1NG FROM TH3R3,"

Terezi points at the house next to them. The bushes, even though they try, can not hide the untidy mess that is human hair. A human in the bushes. On Earth. Fuck.

"HEY, GUYS. I REALLY THINK THAT FUCKASS OVER THERE IS JOHN. ERIDAN, STAY PUT. TEREZI, YOU COME WITH ME."

"OK4Y, NUBBY NUBS! H3H3H3H3H3!"

We walk over to the strange human in anticipation of it being John. Glasses, unruly black hair. Has to be him. Must be.

"HEY, FUCKASS."

The boy jumps. He turns around and pulls out a wooden stick thing and points it at me. It must be for STRIFE. I pull out my sickles, when suddenly, I hear- Or the whole neighborhood hears- a shriek.

"HARRY! GET IN HERE THIS MINUTE. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS. WHO ARE THEY? ARE THEY AFTER MY DUDDERS?! IF VERNON HEARS OF THIS... Oh my god. Get inside. Now."

The strange woman, whose neck was longer than the rest of her , brought us inside- Or threatened us with a frying pan to get in the door, but who's judging? She didn't notice Eridan out there. Holy mother-fucking shit.

Terezi seemed to be reading my mind because she said, "TH3R3'S 4NOTH3R ON3 OF US OUT TH3R3, YOU KNOW."

"Aunt Petunia, please bring it in. The neighbors will get suspicious."

"IT? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING AN IT, YOU NOOKSCRATCHING BRAINLESS FUCKMAGGOT?"

Harry's Lusus- Petunia?- anyway, her face paled when Harry told her this shocking bit of information.

"Fine. I'll get it. You better stay out of trouble." Petunia left to go get Eridan. Harry looked confused.

"Where are you from?"

"ALTERNIA. WHERE ELSE? FUCKING MARS?"

"DON'T M1ND H1M. H3'S V3RY CR4BBY. OOOH WH4T 1S TH1S 1 SM3LL? YOUR FR13ND UP TH3R3 H4S C4NDY-R3D D3L1C1OUS ON HIS SH1RT? C4N 1 PL34S3 GO T4ST3 1T?"

"That's Dudley. He'd eat you alive and his mum would still compliment him. You don't want to mess with him. What are your names, anyway?

"1'M T3R3Z1. H3H3H3H3H3. TH1S H3R3 1S S1R NUBBY MC NUB P4NTS."

"OR KARKAT VANTAS, JEGUS TEREZI. YOU'D THINK THREE SWEEPS WOULD BE ENOUGH TO LEARN MY NAME."

"BUT 1 KNOW 1T. 1T'S S1R NUBBY MC NUB P4NTS.

"Whoa there, what exactly is a 'sweep'?"

"IT'S A MEASUREMENT OF TIME, FUCKASS." Looks like Eridan's here. Oh joy. My fucking dream bubble come true.

"Wwho is this vvery scary lady wwith the kitchen utensil used to fry food."

"My name is Petunia, and I deserve an explanation as to what is going on." She tried her best to look intimidating, but I knew it was just an act.

"MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS, THIS IS TEREZI PYROPE, AND THIS IS ERIDAN AMPORA."

"W3 COM3 FROM 4 PL4N3T C4LL3D 4LT3RN14. W3 H4V3 B33N PL4Y1NG 4 D3L1C1OUS G4M3 C4LL3D SGRUB TH4T CR34T3S UN1V3RS3S. W3 CR34T3D TH1S ON3. W3'R3 NOT SUR3 HOW 1T H4PP3N3D, BUT W3 W3R3 4LL TOG3TH3R TRY1NG TO G3T 1N CONT4CT W1TH TH3 HUM4NS, 4ND W3 L4ND3D H3R3."

"Delicious?"

"Y3S, V3RY-"

"ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING COLOR FETISH! THE POINT IS, WE WERE THERE, NOW WE'RE HERE."

"I don't see wwhy you still live on this thing you call land. The wwater is vvery much better. I am far better than evvery single one of you-"

"NOT NOW, ERIDAN." Eridan looked taken aback, and regained his composure as quickly as he had lost it. The five were interrupted by a loud man in the doorway.

"BLOODY HELL! WHAT IS SOME OF YOUR LOT DOING IN MY HOME?!"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Wow. I seriously did not think you guys would actually like my first chapter. That was so awesome. I will continue this story, and if you have any ideas, just feel free to tell me them! Also, I'm sorry if the number thing bothers you, but that's just how Terezi types. Also, if you want to correct my grammar, learn how to spell "Horrible" Thanks :]. I love you all so very much. But, yeah, thanks for reading, enjoy!

"NOT NOW, ERIDAN." Eridan looked taken aback, and regained his composure as quickly as he had lost it. The five were interrupted by a loud man in the doorway.

"BLOODY HELL! WHAT IS SOME OF YOUR LOT DOING IN MY HOME?!" Aunt Petunia motioned for Vernon to go to the kitchen with her. Vernon walked into the kitchen with a face so red and scared because Terezi was eying him hungrily. Karkat was just standing there rolling his eyes, and Eri- Where's Eridan? Holy shit, what if Dudley sees him?

"wwhat the fuck kind of earth-whale-beast are you?" Eridan asked. Dudley sat in the corner in his bed rocking back and forth with fear.

Harry couldn't imagine what would happen if he saw the hipster troll. Dudley was always scared of magical creatures. Terezi was—wait, what was she doing? Petunia walked in the room, and fainted on the spot. It appeared that Terezi was licking the Dursleys' couch. Vernon just looked outraged. Karkat was rolling his eyes when, suddenly, the doorbell rang.

Vernon walked over to the door, and said, "You, creature with the sweater, go open the door." Karkat hesitated, but then walked over to the door. He opened the door, and the man who delivered the post just handed him three letters. Huh, Harry thought, must be from California. When Karkat turned around, Harry's eyes widened.

"No way."

"WHAT?"

"Dumbledore's definitely off his rocker." Karkat opened his letter, and was very confused.

"WHAT KIND OF NOOKSUCKER NAMES SOMETHING HOGWARTS?"

Dun dun dun. Sorry it's short, I just really wanted to get this out ASAP. I'm sorry for the wait. I'll try to update weekly with much more words.


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